Anniversary

 

 

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Jeremiah 29:11

 

When we were very young!

 June 1 1991

In the dynamic landscape of grief neither sky nor sea nor land remain constant. A myriad of emotions flood the psyche in waves which threaten to engulf any pretence of peace and joy at any given moment. The sky  fills instantly with foreboding clouds, whipping up the winds of despair and hopelessness. The sands of confidence and belief in the future shift and sink beneath tentative feet. The fog dims clarity of vision and judgement. There are not so much good days and bad days as good minutes and bad minutes. Everything is so unpredictable. We are journeying without an obvious destination. And 6 months in, the truth of Angus’ death has bedded in as has the loss of our future plans together. And it almost feels worse than at the beginning. There is so much I want to tell him. It is like a 30 year conversation has been brutally and permanently interrupted. Although …. I confess I do mutter to myself and him sometimes.

The time since his death has now overtaken the time between his cancer diagnosis and death. The anniversary of the day of his diagnosis looms like a sinister shadow. The 13th of July. Mercifully we will be away on holiday in Lanzarote. ( Angus and I used to call it Lanzagrotty although I don’t know why as it is perfectly lovely! )

At first I thought that one day of grief would be much like the next. Why would anniversaries be any different when EVERY day is drenched in poignancy? But the unexpected frequency and significance of particular days is not to be underestimated. Some of them can be anticipated and prepared for. They are obvious. Christmas, birthdays,  and wedding anniversaries. As many of you know it would have been our Silver wedding anniversary on the 1st of June. Rudi, Tasha and I were determined to celebrate a truly happy marriage and the blessing  of family life . We went to London, travelled up The Shard to peruse a sadly rather murky view, saw “Les Miserables”, and dined in Chinatown ; We sought to honour  Angus  doing things that he loved or would have loved. We celebrated a special day 25 years ago when two best friends chose each other in the presence Of God. Other people remembered too. Our darling best man, Patrick had our wedding video copied onto a DVD for me.

There are other more subtle anniversaries that tumble one over the next unexpectedly  jangling nerves and emotions. The  monthly dates marking his diagnosis and his death. One month, two months and so on. Mother’s day, Father’s day.  There are the senses which can transport one instantly and powerfully into the heart of a a long forgotten memory. Smell, taste, sight, touch, hearing.   There are the ‘this time last years….’. Icebergs lurking in the mist.

Sometimes, our family grief blinds me to the grief of other people. I somehow forget that our friends miss him terribly too. I think people hide it from from me perhaps thinking that my sadness takes precedence over theirs. That their grief is less important. But I find it profoundly touching when people mourn with us. There is such thoughtfulness in the way others remember Angus. For example, the men of the Kings Cliffe pub cycle tour, started their journey at Angus’ grave in memory of the fact that he had founded the first of their annual outings. Thier gesture  was immensely moving.

Despite the dark storms there are rainbows and silver linings in the seascape. And also bouys, lighthouses, rocks, and lifeboats. And sunsets. Godly provision. And we are learning, very slowly, to navigate and survive the voyage. This involves each of us adjusting our roles (Angus was always very much the Captain of our ship!) and learning new skills. Sometimes this is tedious and irksome and sometimes it is laden with conflict. But often it also leaves a sense of accomplishment. Rudi has passed his driving test (Hallelujah!) and Tash takes hers at the end of July. Tash has finished her A level exams. Rudi is working with the roofers again. I am back at work part time where a great deal of change is taking place. It was very challenging at first not least because I was transported to a place where everything had been “OK” the last time I was there . Moreover, as I walk through the hospital there are 101 memories of his treatment and death in that place. Not all of them are tragic memories though. We did a fair bit of laughing  with the fabulous people who looked after him. Still, I have yet to venture onto the chemo day unit or the heamatology/oncology  ward. I would yearn to catch a glimpse of him there.

The work itself, looking after those who live with or beyond cancer, is not as emotionally charged as one might think. It is quite healing to care for others and prevents one becoming overly introspective. Looking out, not in. At least some of the time.I  also happen to work with some AMAZING people . They are what I call my Mac family (due to us working in a Macmillan Centre) and I LOVE them all.

There is a sense of calm just now after a couple of difficult months and I am very thankful.  We are looking forward to our summer, rain and all. Tasha will be celebrating her 18th birthday in August. We will celebrate in Angus’ most splendid, beautiful and prolific garden. Apart from Lanzarote we are also going to Croatia with Sophie and Gat together with their teens. Very spoilt to have TWO holidays. Rudi has also been to Amsterdam with his friends (!) and Tash is off to Barcelona soon with hers.

There will be some time to rest and reflect before uni for R an N in September. Obviously I have mixed feelings about their BOTH going and my living alone for the first time ever! Strictly speaking I will still have Monty who is bound to be a great comfort.

I have my own plans. Some of which I have already been executing in preparation for a new time of life. A few trips away. Theatre, books, concerts; a lovely retreat in the Cotswolds.  Some professional development. A little London tour catching up with old and long neglected friends. An undergraduate certificate in Creative Writing following a very absorbing introductory course. I have been reflecting on the impact of suffering in life from both a Christian and human perspective and would love to explore this as I develop my writing skills. The truth is that suffering bears fruit, and shapes us to be more compassionate and resilient beings. Suffering is part of the human condition and no-one is immune although some seem to bear a disproportionate load…and I am not talking about me. As to why God allows it, well theologians have been trying to work that one out for millennia. But Jesus knew about suffering and so  I choose not to struggle  against it.

Angus’ suffering is over. He is with God.

God remains my rock and my refuge and I strive to trust in His good and eternal purposes for all things. It is not always easy but I continue to be kept buoyant by a crew of great number, who  encourage and help me in the emotional, spiritual and practical tasks of life for which I give thanks to God and to each of you.

Blessings, Kate xx

 

Please continue to pray for us:

For strength and resources for new beginnings in September.

For rest and joy together this summer. For safety as we travel together and separately.

For safety as the children drive.

For faith and assurance that Angus lives with God in heaven where I will seem him again.

For the sunlight to continue to shine through the clouds and the certain and consistent belief that storms are soon calmed for the still waters to return.

 

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,a
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely your goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
forever.

Psalm 23

 

Angus’ Garden